but...

(to my dear friends who follow this post who have babies: i realized that wednesday's post might have been misleading, since i didn't quite say everything. i just wanted to add that i do love holding your little ones. and thank you to those who have so kindly offered every time you see me - it's a joy to my heart and to my husbandlove's heart. i think what i was meaning to say was that i feel awkward while holding babies right now because i don't quite know what to do with the little tears of grief in my heart yet. so thanks for being patient with me as i somewhat awkwardly interact with your child. my empty arms long to be filled often.)

today i realized that i am going through another season of grief these past few weeks. i have a whole checklist of undone little things. i find myself putting off emails and phone calls for days. my house is untidy very often. i am late to just about everything. the sparkle has gone out of my piano teaching. the constant whistling wind outside is unnerving. i long for quiet company in my home. i don't get very much done during the day. i am easily teared up by other people's hurts. i forget to take care of my little birdie. i am easily distracted when people are trying to have conversations with me. i am forgetting people's names all the time. . . .  grief is a long process.

i don't want this all to go away, because i can sense my heart changing and molding in ways that are exciting. it is just a long road to walk while the heart-work is taking place... goodnight.

i don't miss my baby as often now. it's nice.

...until i find myself feeling slightly annoyed at other people's babies. i think: "why am i bugged by this little darling?" and then i think: "oh yeah, it's because i'd rather be holding my own little darling." then i feel a little better and not so badly about being slightly annoyed at the baby. i do a better job at interacting with the not-mine baby then also. i feel badly that even though i really want to hold babies sometimes, the longest i can interact with other babies is about 2 minutes. oh well. it'll get longer when it will.

if i think too long about little Emeth, i start to feel funny. and not very sure what to think. i wanted him to have a happy birthday with his Dad tomorrow, and to have fun during thanksgiving, and to visit Washington for Christmas in a little red sweater.

instead, i'm training a puppy and taking an art class.

oh well.

- says my brain. oh well.

there's a japanese word: "Shyoganai", meaning "There is no fault/reason". It's sort of like "oh well". there's just nothing to be done... type thing. i think this all falls into that category.

In my mind, Emeth was born on Sunny September 22nd. So today, he would have been one month old. happy birthday, buddy...

The 3 women who were pregnant around my time are still pregnant. One is due this month, the other next, and the third in December. to me, they all look beautiful, big, radiant, content and restful. that's probably what the third trimester feels like. i only had it for a couple weeks. and looking back, i suppose i did feel that way a little bit from what i can remember. i've mostly forgotten, though.

tomorrow is husband-love's birthday. it's the second of our celebrations that we'd anticipated having the company of our baby. the first was the Chicago marathon a couple weeks ago. i missed him there with me, cheering on his running dad. tomorrow, we'll miss him trying the tiniest smidgen of frosting.

today:

is clean the house day.

my puppydear pooped on my living room carpet this morning. husbandlove and i just stood and stared at it for a while. that sort of has a way of messing up my morning. i've almost recovered.

i'd like to paint my livingroom purple. wouldn't that look nice?

today is the day i feel slightly envious of those with huge washers and dryers in their house. only slightly. because i am thankful for my teeny sink-hook-up washer and my clothes rack outside.

today is the day i wish i were buff and strong. then i could lift my big livingroom rug and give it a good shake and beating outside to freshen it up. as it is, i'll just have to wait for husbandlove to come home from work and do it for me.

first thing on the list: clean the kitchen.

flylady says, "As the kitchen goes, so the rest of the house goes." 

i don't think that's always true, but it is mostly true most of the time.

if you are a lady, please come over and join me for a sandwich today, if you like. if you are a man, you can wait until tomorrow to come over.

i'm eating Trader Joe's Marinated Bean Salad out of the can because i can't figure out what to have for lunch and this was as good as anything else. 

yesterday i woke up and thought, "today, my baby would have been born". just a feeling that he would have come yesterday. it was a perfect day for a birth yesterday - completely sunny, warm and joy-filled.

all day now, i've been missing my baby. right now, i don't feel like having any other babies. just the one i'm missing. my small group in my women's bible study that i go to on Wednesdays has only older ladies. it makes me feel like going since i don't have to be with lots of young mothers right now.

i've been doing great. but these last days have been a little harder. someone said, "it's all the little milestones that get to you..." i think it is - giving birth this month was one of those milestones, and it's starting to get to me.

husbandlove and i are going to pull out Emeth's two boxes of clothes, stuffed animals and goodies we saved up and go through them this weekend. i just want to see everything and repack it, for some reason. i also want to find the precious little bunnydoll we got for him.

i haven't gotten much done today - just a few loads of laundry, puppy chores, bible study, eating bean salad... now i'm driving to teach a piano lesson. then i'll make some supper. then husbandlove and i are going to the park to play with Penny when he gets home from work at 6:30. i hate it when i don't get much done.

i wish my home wasn't cluttered. maybe i'll pick it up for 10 minutes with a timer. i wish someone would come over for tea. i can't think of who to call.

September 18th

was Emeth's due date. i told Kris yesterday that i would probably be calling her about now, complaining that my feet were so swollen, and about how i felt like a balloon, and about how i wished he would just hurry up and come out! probably he would have been late, since my marmie was always 2 weeks late or so. we'd have the nursery all ready, the glass bottles washed and lined up on a shelf, the changing table set up in the bathroom, the baby announcements ready to mail out after we filled in his date, weight, height and time, the family ready for a call any minute, the camera batteries charged, the hospital bag ready by the door, the little clothes washed and hung in his closet, a teacher lined up to substitute for my students, and all that. i'm probably forgetting something or another in that list.

well: as it is, i'm very comfortable and hardly swollen. i'm honestly not too gung-ho about getting pregnant again because all my memories of pregnancy are sort of normal. they're nothing special. nor are they tramatic, by any means. i think i've healed a lot. i just can't remember the joy of pregnancy, really. probably when i do that little test again someday and come up with a 'positive', i'll get the same flutter i did last time. husbandlove will cry again. i'll send cute little announcements to the family again. i'll sew some baby clothes again. i'll pour over baby-related anything again. i'll be impatient for every single day to pass again. i'll smile when he/she starts the little kicks and flutters. i'll go buy a little bunny doll from "bunnies by the bay" company when i find out if it's a boy or girl again. i'll start knitting another sweater again. and i just had a thought: i'll let myself enjoy this next one just as much as though it were my very first pregnancy. (even though i'm glad it's not!)

in the meantime: husbandlove has bought me a border collie puppy. i am having a blast and being overwhelmed by this puppy! wow. her name is Penny.

bye.

nursery rhymes:

today is a day when i, for some odd reason, feel a desperate urge to set up a baby nursery. actually, i've been feeling this need for about a week now. i keep thinking things like, 'oh yeah, the baby bed is just in the back of my closet, so i can get that out' and 'i'll have to remember to put the quilt on the rocking chair' and 'now, did i get a hanging lamp for that corner yet?' and 'let see, should i paint the little room, or just leave it creamy-white...'... each one of those thoughts has to be countered with "no, there isn't any baby nursery to be made. this month is just another month - it's not his due date on September 18th. he was born on July 7th. you can set up a nursery next year sometime." somehow i can't quite grasp this though, and i'm afraid i'll just give in and set up a whole nursery without really thinking about it.

we even had a little lambskin wool covering for his mattress. i have a nice organic wool-wash in my cleaning cupboard. and i forgot to get the cloth diapers....

this is a sad day for me. i'm trying to learn how to stay in my sadness and wait for Jesus to give me peace instead of going into other emotions like anger or despair. it's hard to stay in sadness and hard to wait for Jesus to bring me peace. and hard to counter untruths and disappointments with Truth and Hopes. 

today as i drove to my art class, i saw a little boy, about 7 years old, standing on the corner of the road with his little hoodie on - his eyes sparkling under the shadow of the hood - with a lonesome, waiting-sort-of expression. he was so tiny and precious. as i kept driving, i passed a multitude of children walking to their elementary school. i realized that i would miss seeing my little boy off to school. it was the first of those feelings i've had. i've heard about them from other moms... where i realize that i'm missing out on my little boy's life events - yes, i'll be so overjoyed to (Lord willing!) see my other children off to school, but i miss this little boy!

i met husbandlove's student's mom in the grocery store today. she had two of her four children with her, and is pregnant with her fifth. she's due in December. she saw me and waved and came closer. i asked her about her pregnancy - she happily answered my questions, then mentioned quietly how she'd heard about my baby and she was so sorry. i nodded and thanked her. her eyes filled up with tears as she offered, "well, your weight is coming off quickly..." i smiled, "yeah, it's coming." she didn't quite know what to say, and if it was anyone else but her, i could have been offended. but i wasn't - somehow, in a very awkward way, she got across what she wanted to say, and somehow, i really appreciated her attempt.

it's quite amazing how much a death will mature us. i am very happy with the change the Lord has brought about in my heart since this summer. :)