but...

(to my dear friends who follow this post who have babies: i realized that wednesday's post might have been misleading, since i didn't quite say everything. i just wanted to add that i do love holding your little ones. and thank you to those who have so kindly offered every time you see me - it's a joy to my heart and to my husbandlove's heart. i think what i was meaning to say was that i feel awkward while holding babies right now because i don't quite know what to do with the little tears of grief in my heart yet. so thanks for being patient with me as i somewhat awkwardly interact with your child. my empty arms long to be filled often.)

today i realized that i am going through another season of grief these past few weeks. i have a whole checklist of undone little things. i find myself putting off emails and phone calls for days. my house is untidy very often. i am late to just about everything. the sparkle has gone out of my piano teaching. the constant whistling wind outside is unnerving. i long for quiet company in my home. i don't get very much done during the day. i am easily teared up by other people's hurts. i forget to take care of my little birdie. i am easily distracted when people are trying to have conversations with me. i am forgetting people's names all the time. . . .  grief is a long process.

i don't want this all to go away, because i can sense my heart changing and molding in ways that are exciting. it is just a long road to walk while the heart-work is taking place... goodnight.

i don't miss my baby as often now. it's nice.

...until i find myself feeling slightly annoyed at other people's babies. i think: "why am i bugged by this little darling?" and then i think: "oh yeah, it's because i'd rather be holding my own little darling." then i feel a little better and not so badly about being slightly annoyed at the baby. i do a better job at interacting with the not-mine baby then also. i feel badly that even though i really want to hold babies sometimes, the longest i can interact with other babies is about 2 minutes. oh well. it'll get longer when it will.

if i think too long about little Emeth, i start to feel funny. and not very sure what to think. i wanted him to have a happy birthday with his Dad tomorrow, and to have fun during thanksgiving, and to visit Washington for Christmas in a little red sweater.

instead, i'm training a puppy and taking an art class.

oh well.

- says my brain. oh well.

there's a japanese word: "Shyoganai", meaning "There is no fault/reason". It's sort of like "oh well". there's just nothing to be done... type thing. i think this all falls into that category.

In my mind, Emeth was born on Sunny September 22nd. So today, he would have been one month old. happy birthday, buddy...

The 3 women who were pregnant around my time are still pregnant. One is due this month, the other next, and the third in December. to me, they all look beautiful, big, radiant, content and restful. that's probably what the third trimester feels like. i only had it for a couple weeks. and looking back, i suppose i did feel that way a little bit from what i can remember. i've mostly forgotten, though.

tomorrow is husband-love's birthday. it's the second of our celebrations that we'd anticipated having the company of our baby. the first was the Chicago marathon a couple weeks ago. i missed him there with me, cheering on his running dad. tomorrow, we'll miss him trying the tiniest smidgen of frosting.

today:

is clean the house day.

my puppydear pooped on my living room carpet this morning. husbandlove and i just stood and stared at it for a while. that sort of has a way of messing up my morning. i've almost recovered.

i'd like to paint my livingroom purple. wouldn't that look nice?

today is the day i feel slightly envious of those with huge washers and dryers in their house. only slightly. because i am thankful for my teeny sink-hook-up washer and my clothes rack outside.

today is the day i wish i were buff and strong. then i could lift my big livingroom rug and give it a good shake and beating outside to freshen it up. as it is, i'll just have to wait for husbandlove to come home from work and do it for me.

first thing on the list: clean the kitchen.

flylady says, "As the kitchen goes, so the rest of the house goes." 

i don't think that's always true, but it is mostly true most of the time.

if you are a lady, please come over and join me for a sandwich today, if you like. if you are a man, you can wait until tomorrow to come over.