Sunday, October 26, 2008

but...

(to my dear friends who follow this post who have babies: i realized that wednesday's post might have been misleading, since i didn't quite say everything. i just wanted to add that i do love holding your little ones. and thank you to those who have so kindly offered every time you see me - it's a joy to my heart and to my husbandlove's heart. i think what i was meaning to say was that i feel awkward while holding babies right now because i don't quite know what to do with the little tears of grief in my heart yet. so thanks for being patient with me as i somewhat awkwardly interact with your child. my empty arms long to be filled often.)

today i realized that i am going through another season of grief these past few weeks. i have a whole checklist of undone little things. i find myself putting off emails and phone calls for days. my house is untidy very often. i am late to just about everything. the sparkle has gone out of my piano teaching. the constant whistling wind outside is unnerving. i long for quiet company in my home. i don't get very much done during the day. i am easily teared up by other people's hurts. i forget to take care of my little birdie. i am easily distracted when people are trying to have conversations with me. i am forgetting people's names all the time. . . .  grief is a long process.

i don't want this all to go away, because i can sense my heart changing and molding in ways that are exciting. it is just a long road to walk while the heart-work is taking place... goodnight.

3 comments:

Krissy said...

oh. Cair. i'm so sorry. i wish i could be there with you. i bet you're going through a hard spell. that happens. i'm thankful for the bits of joy the Lord brings your way. i'm praying for you and thinking of you. love to you!!

Beth said...

Speaking of which, there's a book I've meaning to read to you. It won't take long. Maybe Saturday? Over tea?

Bonnie said...

I discovered Krissy's blog today, and on her sidebar was a link to yours. I have been sitting here for quite some time now reading. I started at the beginning and here I am at the last entry to date. I have been so touched reading all that you have shared. The most amazing post was the one where you talked about asking questions of people who have lost a baby. I loved hearing your perspective, though I wept throughout the post ! And your last paragraph of this post about sensing your heart changing and molding in ways that are exciting. Wow. I think you are amazing ! So wise. So tender- hearted. So willing to walk the long road that you didn't choose. I have prayed for you and Ethan as you have come to mind, and I will continue to do so.

Love you,
Bonnie