i'm eating Trader Joe's Marinated Bean Salad out of the can because i can't figure out what to have for lunch and this was as good as anything else. 

yesterday i woke up and thought, "today, my baby would have been born". just a feeling that he would have come yesterday. it was a perfect day for a birth yesterday - completely sunny, warm and joy-filled.

all day now, i've been missing my baby. right now, i don't feel like having any other babies. just the one i'm missing. my small group in my women's bible study that i go to on Wednesdays has only older ladies. it makes me feel like going since i don't have to be with lots of young mothers right now.

i've been doing great. but these last days have been a little harder. someone said, "it's all the little milestones that get to you..." i think it is - giving birth this month was one of those milestones, and it's starting to get to me.

husbandlove and i are going to pull out Emeth's two boxes of clothes, stuffed animals and goodies we saved up and go through them this weekend. i just want to see everything and repack it, for some reason. i also want to find the precious little bunnydoll we got for him.

i haven't gotten much done today - just a few loads of laundry, puppy chores, bible study, eating bean salad... now i'm driving to teach a piano lesson. then i'll make some supper. then husbandlove and i are going to the park to play with Penny when he gets home from work at 6:30. i hate it when i don't get much done.

i wish my home wasn't cluttered. maybe i'll pick it up for 10 minutes with a timer. i wish someone would come over for tea. i can't think of who to call.

September 18th

was Emeth's due date. i told Kris yesterday that i would probably be calling her about now, complaining that my feet were so swollen, and about how i felt like a balloon, and about how i wished he would just hurry up and come out! probably he would have been late, since my marmie was always 2 weeks late or so. we'd have the nursery all ready, the glass bottles washed and lined up on a shelf, the changing table set up in the bathroom, the baby announcements ready to mail out after we filled in his date, weight, height and time, the family ready for a call any minute, the camera batteries charged, the hospital bag ready by the door, the little clothes washed and hung in his closet, a teacher lined up to substitute for my students, and all that. i'm probably forgetting something or another in that list.

well: as it is, i'm very comfortable and hardly swollen. i'm honestly not too gung-ho about getting pregnant again because all my memories of pregnancy are sort of normal. they're nothing special. nor are they tramatic, by any means. i think i've healed a lot. i just can't remember the joy of pregnancy, really. probably when i do that little test again someday and come up with a 'positive', i'll get the same flutter i did last time. husbandlove will cry again. i'll send cute little announcements to the family again. i'll sew some baby clothes again. i'll pour over baby-related anything again. i'll be impatient for every single day to pass again. i'll smile when he/she starts the little kicks and flutters. i'll go buy a little bunny doll from "bunnies by the bay" company when i find out if it's a boy or girl again. i'll start knitting another sweater again. and i just had a thought: i'll let myself enjoy this next one just as much as though it were my very first pregnancy. (even though i'm glad it's not!)

in the meantime: husbandlove has bought me a border collie puppy. i am having a blast and being overwhelmed by this puppy! wow. her name is Penny.

bye.

nursery rhymes:

today is a day when i, for some odd reason, feel a desperate urge to set up a baby nursery. actually, i've been feeling this need for about a week now. i keep thinking things like, 'oh yeah, the baby bed is just in the back of my closet, so i can get that out' and 'i'll have to remember to put the quilt on the rocking chair' and 'now, did i get a hanging lamp for that corner yet?' and 'let see, should i paint the little room, or just leave it creamy-white...'... each one of those thoughts has to be countered with "no, there isn't any baby nursery to be made. this month is just another month - it's not his due date on September 18th. he was born on July 7th. you can set up a nursery next year sometime." somehow i can't quite grasp this though, and i'm afraid i'll just give in and set up a whole nursery without really thinking about it.

we even had a little lambskin wool covering for his mattress. i have a nice organic wool-wash in my cleaning cupboard. and i forgot to get the cloth diapers....

this is a sad day for me. i'm trying to learn how to stay in my sadness and wait for Jesus to give me peace instead of going into other emotions like anger or despair. it's hard to stay in sadness and hard to wait for Jesus to bring me peace. and hard to counter untruths and disappointments with Truth and Hopes. 

today as i drove to my art class, i saw a little boy, about 7 years old, standing on the corner of the road with his little hoodie on - his eyes sparkling under the shadow of the hood - with a lonesome, waiting-sort-of expression. he was so tiny and precious. as i kept driving, i passed a multitude of children walking to their elementary school. i realized that i would miss seeing my little boy off to school. it was the first of those feelings i've had. i've heard about them from other moms... where i realize that i'm missing out on my little boy's life events - yes, i'll be so overjoyed to (Lord willing!) see my other children off to school, but i miss this little boy!

i met husbandlove's student's mom in the grocery store today. she had two of her four children with her, and is pregnant with her fifth. she's due in December. she saw me and waved and came closer. i asked her about her pregnancy - she happily answered my questions, then mentioned quietly how she'd heard about my baby and she was so sorry. i nodded and thanked her. her eyes filled up with tears as she offered, "well, your weight is coming off quickly..." i smiled, "yeah, it's coming." she didn't quite know what to say, and if it was anyone else but her, i could have been offended. but i wasn't - somehow, in a very awkward way, she got across what she wanted to say, and somehow, i really appreciated her attempt.

it's quite amazing how much a death will mature us. i am very happy with the change the Lord has brought about in my heart since this summer. :)

findings:

we found out yesterday that our little Emeth passed away from Amniotic Band Syndrome. there's a few articles online about it - you can look it up. basically, a small part of the tissue from the amniotic sac ruptures, and attaches itself onto the baby or the umbilical chord. it forms a band around wherever it attaches, and as the child grows, it remains constricted. when on the umbilical chord (emeth had a few wrapped around the chord), the blood supply is gradually cut off. when around the baby, it causes physical deformities. Amniotic Bands around the umbilical chord are a really really rare occurrence, most always causing of stillbirth. It's not genetic, nor is it caused by anything that they can pinpoint. It won't happen to any of my other children since it's so rare. sigh...

our reaction to the findings?... relief. i guess. and sadness... it's a little heartbreaking to imagine my little son slowly losing what he needs to live, unable to cry for the nourishment he lacks. but then the Lord mercifully intervenes into my mind and fills it with the truth - of my little child slowly losing what he needs from me, and quietly falling into the Lord's big, tender hands, gaining all he needs from his Heavenly Father. it's a big, glaring, startling truth that this child had to learn so early - how the world cannot be all we need to live, and only the Lord can give life. i wish i could've completely learned it so early. it leaves my arms feeling (necessarily) inadequate and empty. for no fault of my own, i was inadequate and Christ was adequate. under no circumstances could i have remedied this situation. overall, i am humbled before the Lord. it's a strange life, isn't it?

and yet we rejoice to know that i am able to carry perfectly healthy children. we smile at the nurse's words, "it's just basically unlucky - very very unlucky, you know?" ... she doesn't know it's my God's providence and something far from the trio of fate, chance and luck, but considered carefully and with lots of modification, her words are comforting. yes, we are comforted to find out why he passed... and we have a fresh new batch of 'why's and 'what if's to combat with the Truth. and a new bit of tears to cry.