findings:

we found out yesterday that our little Emeth passed away from Amniotic Band Syndrome. there's a few articles online about it - you can look it up. basically, a small part of the tissue from the amniotic sac ruptures, and attaches itself onto the baby or the umbilical chord. it forms a band around wherever it attaches, and as the child grows, it remains constricted. when on the umbilical chord (emeth had a few wrapped around the chord), the blood supply is gradually cut off. when around the baby, it causes physical deformities. Amniotic Bands around the umbilical chord are a really really rare occurrence, most always causing of stillbirth. It's not genetic, nor is it caused by anything that they can pinpoint. It won't happen to any of my other children since it's so rare. sigh...

our reaction to the findings?... relief. i guess. and sadness... it's a little heartbreaking to imagine my little son slowly losing what he needs to live, unable to cry for the nourishment he lacks. but then the Lord mercifully intervenes into my mind and fills it with the truth - of my little child slowly losing what he needs from me, and quietly falling into the Lord's big, tender hands, gaining all he needs from his Heavenly Father. it's a big, glaring, startling truth that this child had to learn so early - how the world cannot be all we need to live, and only the Lord can give life. i wish i could've completely learned it so early. it leaves my arms feeling (necessarily) inadequate and empty. for no fault of my own, i was inadequate and Christ was adequate. under no circumstances could i have remedied this situation. overall, i am humbled before the Lord. it's a strange life, isn't it?

and yet we rejoice to know that i am able to carry perfectly healthy children. we smile at the nurse's words, "it's just basically unlucky - very very unlucky, you know?" ... she doesn't know it's my God's providence and something far from the trio of fate, chance and luck, but considered carefully and with lots of modification, her words are comforting. yes, we are comforted to find out why he passed... and we have a fresh new batch of 'why's and 'what if's to combat with the Truth. and a new bit of tears to cry.